Sweet & Sour? That’s some Chinese dish I am told:)
So…my aunt had been hospitalized for quite some time and having heard recently that she’s doing rather poorly, I looked up at the super full moon around midnight and came almost to my knees wishing that she’d be spared pain, not suffer and that she would be comfortable. I prayed – Dear God, Supreme-Almighty, Buddha, Brahman, Kannon-sama, Bodhisattva, Shinto natural spirits … any and all weavers of threads of fate – Please make her well again but if that just cannot be allowed, if she cannot be revived and recover, at least make sure she does not suffer anymore – please give her comfort and peace. Earlier today, I received a call from my cousin in Tokyo that my aunt passed away sometime past 4am their time (which is a little past midnight here – exactly when I looked up at the super full moon in Angeli = Gassho mudra…a mystical coincidence) My cousin said that because she was suffering so much (water in lungs, respiratory problems – oxygen shortage among other complications modern medicine did not solve), apparently my aunt had a very strained facial expression with oddly shaped open mouth when she departed BUT now, couple hours has passed and my cousin said tearfully but with relief that … her facial expression transformed to that of graceful composure, that of peace… that miraculously, her mouth closed naturally and even her signature subtle smile came back. My cousin shared that she felt her mother planned her death at this time for a reason … could it be her last of many considerations and thoughtfulness exhibited throughout her life?
Prior to receiving the sad news of my aunt’s passing, Robin Williams’s passing was all over the press and social media. My aunt lived a long life full of her own share of struggles and suffering… but she lived fiercely and joyously through it all – losing her husband early, becoming a single mom (to 4 school aged children!); acknowledging that outliving your own child is probably the worst pain, losing her still young daughter to cancer; losing her grandson to an accident … writing this I am again reminded that this great lady had her share of life’s tragedies – quite a bit of burning coals she had to walk on… But recalling she was a lady who would roll out a french pastry pie crust in a matter of minutes; then whip up a lemony custard filling soon after the pie crust came out of the oven (cooled of course) and serve it with so much love and care – it was perfection of flaky buttery crust harmonized with bright sunny yellow custard mouse… (she used a chilled rolling pin and made those buttery puff pastry style pie crust with technique of keeping the butter extra cold – with fluffy mouse like custard… amazing chef and a baker, teaching Western style cooking in Tokyo long time ago). She had a great smile and kind ways only someone who has known true suffering can demonstrate – that kind of kindness comes from a true sense of empathy and compassion. I have known few people who demonstrates powerful iron-strength but with kindness… so blessed to have come in contact with such a beautiful person.
Robin Williams could have lived few of more decades but he took his own life because he had an illness which, untreated, became fatal – making any moral judgement of right or wrong is irrelevant – any judgement is irrelevant anyway – Feeling none other than sincere sympathy for the pains he endured. Rather than end it dramatically and abruptly, my aunt died of natural causes, an illness she fought to the end but in some ways not intending to overcome.. taking her last “breath” at around 4am as the super full moon slowly disappeared as sunrise was due at 5am. Her children at her side, her grandchildren visiting… In stark contrast, it is reported Robin Williams died alone. If we have to go, and we all do, I really hope we can go the way my aunt went…someone holding your hand or maybe snoozing beside you so fatigued from worries and nursing… perhaps alone but cared for in some way. In a sacred shared space of love.
Robin Williams was so talented, an extraordinary genius and a cultural icon. His final exit from this life’s stage was very much like him in that, his act was attention getting, uninhibited but …tragic. A comic’s last act was NOT funny but rather, sad and made people cry. It was not an act he was known for – that of laughter. My aunt’s finale and an exit was quiet and not so tragic…She was the resilient one, the warrior; He, vulnerable and fragile…a warrior, nevertheless, in his own unique way. Not good or bad; simply an observation. In between struggling for breath, my cousin heard her mother say “YOI JINSEI DATTA” translated, “I had a very good life” even though her family and friends thought her life was actually otherwise; that she was handed an unfortunate deck of cards; or that she was born under an unlucky star each time tragedy struck her during her lifetime… she left this world with gratitude of life well lived. She was …happy.
Life is short but Eternity is Not… that poster at a local church flashed in my mind … My intention is to live my life more fully with gratitude and compassion. While I know life is fleeting and impermanent… why make it any shorter than it already is? Let’s try to extend it as much as you can by taking good care of yourself…lengthen your breath – Take a looooonnnngggg deep* breath … feel life flow like a beautiful river streaming into every part of your body, enlivened and AWAKE & ENGAGED. Smile:)let it feel good; let it leave an imprint of the here and now.
(* yogic breath is not necessarily all deep – as in Ujai breath is rather constricted not so much deep BUT lengthly… more on this later)
While we celebrate and honor their lives, we are still left with feelings of sadness and grief – because we are human and normal:
We just miss these sweet people dearly. We really miss them – Still… gratitude that we had such incredible souls who touched us with their light during our lives. Gratitude for having known them as they made our lives so much better, richer, sweeter – then if we had not come in contact with them. They brought Joy and Inspirations by their sheer presence, just being themselves, just being around. With that perspective, we come to realize the joy from having known them far exceeds the sadness of losing them in this life. The gratitude from having felt their light far out weighs any shadows of darkness – We were lucky to see the light they lit this world with. Unburdened, may they rest in peace. (& we shall meetup again in our next life and a life thereafter…)
